Week 11: Pittsburgh at NY Jets

The Steelers are scary. Scary from frighteningly well-groomed coach Mike Tomlin – so intense that not a hair on his head is out of place, for fear of being bawled out in a team meeting – on down to their star-stacked defense. They’re scary in the way that good football teams are scary: different huge guys are always running out of nowhere and knocking people down. That’d be scarier during your commute, of course, but even in a football context, it’s pretty rough.

The Browns, whom the Steelers handled pretty well in Week 10 are a flubsy but explosive team, and the Steelers had them on their heels for the last 35 minutes of the game. The Jets, the team that the Steelers will handle pretty well in Week 11, are good for double the flubs, have more implosive than explosive, and come off their bye week already on their heels and with an injury-depleted roster. On the positive side of the ledger…uh, all the bracchiole you can eat in the Giants Stadium parking lot? Seriously, can you think of anything?

Well, here’s one thing: the Jets are now starting a quarterback whose future is brighter than his past in Kellen Clemens. It’s unfair to blame the deposed Chad Pennington, noodle arm and all, for everything that’s been wrong with the Jets this year, but whoever’s under center won’t present much of a challenge to a Steelers defense that allows 40 fewer yards per game than any other in the NFL (it’s at 229.4, on average) and has yielded an NFL-best 14.0 points per. The Jets are still waiting for a breakout from unhappy RB Thomas Jones, but it would be surprising if they got it this week: right now, the Steelers look as good on defense as the Patriots do on offense. And if they’re not quite as good on offense as Bill Belichick’s Band of Angerholics, it should be said that this week, at least, it won’t matter.

The Jets don’t match up terribly well with anyone, but the Steelers offense against the Jets defense kind of begs a punchline involving the words “grass” and “lawnmower.” We’re above that – random, kamikaze attacks on the Patriots are more our style – but the Steelers excellent, oft-used run offense and the Jets NFL-worst rushing defense make handicapping at least one part of this game pretty easy. Pittsburgh runs the ball more often than anyone and more effectively than any NFL team except the Vikings, whose numbers are 1) thrown out of whack by the occasional 300-yard game from that one dude and 2) matched by the ineptitude of a quarterbacking corps that has Vikes fans pining for the relative stability of a buzzed, bemulleted Jeff George.

Anyway, we were saying: thanks to a speedy, still-improving feature back in Willie Parker and a veteran offensive line that is tougher and more consistent than just about any in the NFL, the Steelers have ground down opponents through 10 weeks. The Jets, for their part, have gone from a unit that was a feisty sixth in the NFL in points-allowed last year to a unit that could give up 110 yards rushing and a touchdown to Canadian singer-lady Feist. Part of our brain that looked at these teams’ opposing numbers – the Steelers 151.4 rushing yards per game and the Jets 152.6 rush yards allowed – and immediately thought “well, they cancel out,” just because the numbers are similar. That is why we didn’t do so good on the math part of the SATs. Do not listen to that part of our brain. Those numbers compliment each other, yes, but they do it (sorry) in the same way that a lawnmower compliments a lawn.

The Steelers will do against the Jets what they have done against every team they’ve played: wear them out with the run, then score with the pass (22 of their 28 offensive TDs this year have come through the air) either in-close or on a long strike to emerging blazer Santonio Holmes. Actually, what the hell: they’ll score both on the ground and in the air. Backup WR Cedrick Wilson’s dog may score in this game. Bam Morris might rush for 75 yards on six carries. We don’t know. We just know that Jets fans might want to keep some weapons-grade antacid handy. This is especially true if they’re eating any of that parking lot bracchiole.

Steelers by 12