Week 11: Miami at Philadelphia

How do football coaches get so fat? A diet rich in video review and takeout parmigiana-style sandwiches probably has a lot to do with it, and substituting naps on the office couch for any exercise probably doesn’t help, either. Still, there’s obviously a good bit of less-than-salutary self-neglect built into the characters of NFL coaches, a group for whom workaholism is less a winking way of saying industrious and more a gentle way of saying “you’ve watched that tape of Week 6’s punt coverage so many times that you’ve forgotten your wife’s name.” Andy Reid’s recent, extraordinarily baroque family problems – his two grown and thoroughly g’ed up kids, still living at home yet undoubtedly the most thugged-out Mormons on record, were recently sent to jail for separate but equally dumb drug and road rage offenses – seem to reflect this tunnel vision.

Whether it’s necessary for coaches to be focused on their teams to the exclusion of everything else in their lives – to the exclusion of their five-digit lipid counts, to the point where they don’t notice their sons’ bedroom-based stores of hollow-point bullets and baggie’d drugs – is something only a football coach could answer. We can’t believe the answer is yes, or that it’s good for anyone involved. And yet…despite what we imagine is a very distracted coach, the Eagles seem ready to make a move to the middle of the pack in the NFC East. Which begs another, easier-to-answer query: How do NFL teams get fat?

Answer: by feasting on cupcakes like Miami.  The Eagles still have some thin (Ha! See what we did there?) playoff hopes despite not beating any very good teams. Their 33-25 win over the Redskins in Week 10 joins their 56-21 Week 3 whupping of the Lions as their only really well-played games of the season, and they have been dreary as all get out on offense all year long.

Despite the continued great play of RB Brian Westbrook and another one-game mini-renaissance by ultra-maligned QB Donovan McNabb last week, though, the Eagles just don’t look that good to us. Their offense sits around the middle of the NFL in every statistical category except yards – their 352.9 YPG is seventh-best in the league – but has still struggled to score, and often looks stagnant and confused. The return of favorite red-zone target TE L.J. Smith will help, but an inability to execute, along with a weak O-line, is going to be a problem for the Eagles against better teams later in the season. Against Miami, naturally, it won’t matter.

No matter how good the Eagles are at keeping themselves out of the end zone, the Dolphins are better at losing. At a richly deserved 0-9, the Dolphins enter this game on something of an upswing, by which we mean that they’ve been losing less badly of late. But while none of Miami’s overall numbers are eye-popping in their awfulness – well, 149.7 rushing yards allowed per game (30th in the NFL) might make your eyes bug a little – the holistic horribleness of this team transcends stats.

They’re averaging nearly seven penalties a game, are getting run over on defense, suffer from a shortage of talent at almost every offensive skill position, and Coach Cam Cameron has been terrible at managing the game during the few instances in which the Dolphins have been within striking distance at the end of a game. The good news is…hard to come by. Their logo (a Dolphin on a football helmet that is itself wearing a football helmet) remains interesting?

Oh, there’s this, too: Ostensible quarterback of the future – 26-year old rookie John Beck – will take over from Cleo Lemon under center this week. That might excite those who remember Beck as…a decent system quarterback at BYU? Okay, it won’t excite anyone.

Well, maybe the Eagles defense. There are still several heavy hitters on that unit, but the veteran linebackers and secondary have looked a step slower than they did last year. They’re still tough – unlike the offense, they’re actually outperforming their middling cumulative stats – but again, it won’t matter. It’s the Dolphins. It’s John Beck to Marty Booker, with Jesse Chatman diving into the line as a counterpoint. And if it’s sunny wherever this game is being broadcast, it all adds up to a good excuse to grab a few hours of fresh air on Sunday. Go out and walk. You don’t want to look like an NFL coach, trust us.

Eagles by 6