Week 5: Seattle at New York Giants

As a result of the obscure but terrifying last few weeks of economic horror, retirement-related anxiety is no longer exclusively the province of people approaching retirement age. The fact that he’s been hysterically well compensated for decades now probably eases his pain somewhat, but Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren is just one of many Americans currently suffering through a nervous, un-fun pre-retirement.

In what was announced as his final NFL season, the reliably walrusian offensive guru has watched his open, passing-intensive offense fall apart in spectacular fashion. Injuries claimed the team’s top six receivers at one point, giving way to a hastily assembled bunch best remembered for dropping a pass on TV against Houston three years ago, if at all. Unless Koren Robinson or Billy McMullen checked your receipt at a Best Buy in the last few months, you probably forgot they were out there at all. And if you ever knew WR Michael Bumpus existed, you deserve this job far more than we do.

As a result of that attrition, Holmgren has spent what should’ve been his NFL golden year watching QB Matt Hasselbeck complete fewer than half his passes while yelling “go deep” to a bunch of guys in homemade jerseys. Although the running game has been better than expected – running backs Julius Jones and T.J. Duckett seem to be making unexpected surges towards competence – and the defense has played better after a bad Week 1 loss in Buffalo, the Seahawks are no one’s idea of a good team. They’re prone to giving up huge passing plays on defense and have been incapable of moving the ball through the air on offense. The return of top pass catchers Deion Branch and Bobby Engram should help this week, but this is still a team that’s about an even shot to go 6-10.

As he watches a team that’s alternately underperforming and not healthy enough to run his carefully put-together scheme, Holmgren probably feels something like the disappointment felt by millions of Americans upon realizing that their dreams of safe, comfortable retirements have been squandered whimsically by a bunch of coke-addled, risk-friendly finance buttheads. (The return of Deion Branch and Bobby Engram to the Seahawks lineup might help that situation, too, but we doubt it) Also, Holmgren probably feels this pain much less acutely than those hurt by investment bank idiocy because he’s set for life. But still, it’s probably pretty tough watching on-his-ninth-life WR Koren Robinson stagger through those routes.

It will be tougher still watching the Seahawks’ rusty, cobbled-together offense attempt to do its thing against a Giants defense that remains one of the best in the NFL. The Giants are not without their issues on offense, where the suspension of WR Plaxico Burress will leave Eli Manning to throw to Amani Toomer and a bunch of inexperienced young receivers. The Seahawks have been vulnerable to big passing plays, and the Giants have a couple of viable deep threats in Domenik Hixon and Sinorice Moss, but neither has done much this season; when Manning makes mistakes, too, it’s on shorter inside routes, where the Seahawks active linebacking corps could wind up making things unpleasant. The Giants’ rushing tandem of Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs has been solid so far, although neither has faced a run defense as stout as Seattle’s yet. The offense won’t have to do much if their defense plays up to its 2008 standards, but they’ll face a far tougher team here than they’ve confronted all season long.

Finally, though, it should be the Seahawks offense that decides this game. Our bet would be that they’ll be slightly better than they’ve been but not good enough to win. Which, again, leaves Holmgren and his sad mustache wondering why the FDIC doesn’t insure wide receivers.

GIANTS BY 6