Week 5: San Diego at Miami

Regular readers of these previews know that there is something of a bias against anything even remotely involving Bill Parcells around these parts. Random people who are approached by your author on public transportation and subjected to his (the author’s) extensive comparisons of Parcells to a pissed-off manatee or uncooked bratwurst or white garbage bag filled with sour cream and disdain also know this. They seem to understand, and you probably do as well: we hate this guy and the jerky, small-minded, bilious degradations of success and power that he is held up to represent. We hate all those things especially intensely when there are photos of him in shorts accompanying them, but…yeah. Parcells problem acknowledged. Now the complicated part.

While America’s Meanest Manatee may yet screw things up by cutting a special teams guy for fun or inisinuating unsubstantiatable things about his players’ sexual orientation, the Miami team he’s currently presiding over is actually kind of interesting. The Dolphins already feature one of our favorite players in the NFL – the pathologically honest and uniquely reflective and reassuringly human RB Ricky Williams. We were sure that Williams’ presence would present some sort of problem with Parcells, a non-player who simply will not understand ambivalence of any sort, but thus far, it hasn’t. Even more interesting, though, was the off-the-wall single-wing offense the Dolphins used in beating the Patriots in Week 3.

Whether the Dolphins’ wing-t amounted to some sort of miniature revolution of spontaneity that toppled the Patriots’ ulcerous empire of smile-free dominance or just was kind of cool is up to you. We’re more inclined towards the former, but our hyperbole is coming from a real place of gratitude (and not just for beating the loathsome Pats). When football is surprising, it is fun. When it’s a simple slugfest, it’s also kind of fun, but markedly less so. The Dolphins are still a long way from good, but their willingness to be mediocre in an engaging and surprising way is welcome. Their trick formations may lose their efficacy fairly quickly, but if the Dolphins balance their middling straight-up offense with more unique formations – they only ran the single-wing a few times against the Pats, but scored on essentially every play – they will still surprise some defenses. As a fringe benefit, they’ll make some very powerful first-person plural-abusing fans in the Internet football previewer commentariat.

The Chargers, though, are a significantly better team across the board and have been improving steadily in recent weeks. Whether San Diego’s defense is prepared to defend the wing-t or not, the Chargers offense should present some real challenges for a Dolphins defense that – despite a terrific showing in Week 3 – still lacks talent in the secondary and has a middling pass rush. San Diego is not above an unconventional play-call, either, and has looked in recent weeks like the team that finished strong in 2007. The continued return of RB LaDainian Tomlinson to form helps a lot with that, of course, and the Dolphins’ run defense – which was the worst in the NFL in 2007 – should help him along in his recovery. It’s hard to say how the Chargers’ up-and-down defense will fare against the new Miami bizarroffense, but we’re interested in watching what happens.

We’re looking forward to multiple halfback passes and weird formations and long kick returns (the Dolphins kick coverage has been terrible, and the Chargers Darren Sproles is an exciting return man), and hoping to be out of the room during the inevitable moments in which a bloated Parcells bobs scowlingly to the surface. If Parcells’ dour corporate cruelty is among the best reasons to dislike the NFL, it’s important to remember that football itself, when it’s played with some joy and a sense of surprise, can be a blast to watch.

CHARGERS BY 3